Trust Your Decisions.
How do you know when the time is right to make change?
I grew up believing that I could never make the right choices, that it was always better to have someone else do it for me. Even small decisions became saturated with doubt and confusion, and I often found myself in tears when faced with what I felt were extremely difficult choices.
This detrimental belief system has influenced the entire course of my life, casting its dubious tentacles of doubt over every major decision I have ever made and abdicating me of any real responsibility for choices that have radically altered the course of my existence. Even though I am an independent adult now, that voice—replete with misgivings and uncertainty—has plagued my every move.
As children, if we believe what we’re told, there comes a time when nobody needs to tell us any longer, because we’ve internalized the information and can self-perpetuate it. This is true of both positive and negative input. The legacy of indecision that lives in me is the result of that exact process: being told on many occasions that I “always struggled to make decisions” only reinforced the patterning, and before long, I was the one saying it, taking the lead in embodying the struggle.
During the month of May, though, it has all come to a head. My life has become bafflingly busy: I picked up an extra teaching job (which brought me up to four teaching gigs), hung two shows, implemented a daily meditation and card reading practice (see April's post), started selling at the Saturday Market again, applied for a zillion jobs, and managed to find time to paint.
On top of it all, I ended a toxic two-year relationship. I have been dealing with the subsequent and sickly anxiety and doubt about the decision, and trying hard to find my feet on the ground through it all.
In the midst of all of the crazy—or maybe because of all the crazy—I have been praying for guidance and clarity. Praying that I will know what to do when the time is right. Each morning when I wake up, I have a new opportunity to examine my inner world with love and compassion. I didn't realize it until just recently that somewhere along the way, I'd lost those two good friends--love and compassion--and it's such a relief to have them back in my life. I take them to my cushion and breathe in meditation; then, we do a tarot card reading while drinking my morning coffee. Afterward, we paint and practice yoga before heading out into the world. On many mornings, this all happens before 8am. (Did I mention that it's been a busy time?)
With these daily self-care practices and the growing awareness of my patterning, I am slowly learning to shed the old skin of indecision. To trust that I knew exactly what I was doing when I ended my relationship, when I chose to live in Palestine, when I sold my condo and moved to Oregon, and the countless other choices that have impacted my life. And that I will know exactly what to do when the deadline for that job offer approaches, or when it’s time to move out of my house. I truly believe that as long as I give myself Grace and act from a place of deep self-love and as much inner listening as I can muster, my decisions are clear and I can make them with complete confidence. I trust the path I am forever forging.
May has been tough, but it is becoming increasingly clear to me that I actually do know how to make a decision based on what is right for me, and what’s more, that ability has been alive inside of me all along. I am choosing to embody self-honesty and decisiveness in a way that I never have, and that comes with not only great responsibility, but great freedom and empowerment.
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